It’s just a few minutes past 12 midnight, 30th of May. Thoughts run random in my head and as much as I try to put a cohesion to it, I get increasingly angry about what am missing that I can’t lay a finger on.
Its 5 months into 2012 and I look at the journey so far and am grateful to God even though am not there yet…but I still have cause to be grateful. Should I start to list it one after the other, starting my Masters program despite the odds, the job in spite of the challenges and frustration most times, my family, through it all God still proves himself, the very few friends I have.. Life, the pure bliss of
inhaling fresh air, the thrill of frolicking in your own world, lost in dreams of the future, a good piece of music, the ding-dong bustle of Lagos, and ut can go on and on. And it does not end there, lost two dear friends this year, and Father even though I can’t comprehend it…I say thank you.
Several times Father, I wish things were different…a different job, different family, different place to stay etc etc…but it’s all wished and ends as wishes because the cold reality sets in, it’s not by chance or happenstance, its all calculated, make the most of it! Yeah..I can’t change certain things that are fixed by nature, but can change things that are variable in nature..and that I’ll do.
But several times Father, I have felt frustrated by events around me..(Ever been in that shoe…no patronizing!) When you seem to have lost all control over your life and you wonder…”What am I looking for?” Times without number I’ve felt overwhelmed by my job, relationships, church and several things that I wonder a times in a day when am so tired, what have I done today that am so tired? And several times, I can’t lay a finger to it.
I get home at night several times and wished in my heart of heart that someone was at home to welcome me, ask about my day, listen to me, and just give me the attention..(I know what you thinking…that I should go get married..yeah…got you!) and I just get the cheerful welcome of my neighbour’s sons which I really appreciate..and enter my room and lock myself in. And the routine goes on… Let me leave that angle Father…:)
I have met quite some interesting people these couple of months and I know courted some few enemies as well…:d…Its a bitter truth..but am not the most friendly person you would want to meet. Am task-oriented and shy away from people as much as possible. (Someone will likely have my head for supper for this!) But once am at work…been accused several times of this, I just “lock up”, enter into a “too serious” mode and do not see people. Too bad? Then Father I need help if you have the solution;)
But sincerely Father, you can’t be working back to back without a break and not get burnt out (wondering how the heck you do it)…I think am over burnt sef…am now charcoal… And such wise brings a whole lot of negative vibes, which if not careful can overwhelm you..it does to me several times…especially when you’ve got some mean-ass people on your tail and ….. Hold it right there Mister!
Have you been in a position of trying to do things right and make everyone happy but you and your attempts are regarded as dog shit? Father its pretty creepy…merely thinking of it. But you know what, I’ll trust in your word..don’t wanna quote scriptures now but trust in you to see me through.
Father several times I have had to ask you, why should I listen to this person? You sure know who we talking about here…can’t seem to see a correlation a times with reality…and..just don’t know what to say.
Wondering what came over this guy called Jonathan..changing UNILAG to MAUL..don’t think i want to talk about that yet..
You know what Father, there are several things we need to talk about over again…but this is just to get your attention…for you to know that, I’m not letting go until the answer is clear.